What Is Said Cannot Be Unsaid
by Specter-Paulsen
Summary: When plans change and Harvey and Donna end up spending a weekend alone together, tensions flare and truths are revealed. Can they claw their way back from this? Set during 8b and loosley based around the early 8b promo. RE-POST!


**This fic is based off the 8b promo... written before 8b aired. **

* * *

She'd been seeing Thomas for seven weeks. It had started casually, as these things tend to do, and while they hadn't had _that _discussion, she wasn't seeing anyone else and she was pretty sure he wasn't either. He was tall and handsome and successful in his field, but most impressively, he was open with his feelings and unafraid to tell her just how much he enjoyed her company. It had been a while since she'd felt so secure with someone she was dating and she almost felt like it could be too good to be true.

When she'd told Louis, he was happy for her, and he'd taken a lot of the credit, being that he was the one who had signed Kessler Designs in the first place. But then he'd asked the question she'd been avoiding since their first date; "does Harvey know?"

Harvey did not know. She hadn't known how to tell him. They'd been back to normal, or at least as normal as they could be, but there was still something in the way. Something that had been holding her back from telling him she was in a new relationship. She didn't want to hear that old adage "it doesn't mean…" or any of the many variations they'd both used over the years. But he was bound to find out sooner or later. After all, Thomas was a client of the firm and she knew that eventually there would be some social gathering or other where her presence would be required and she would bring him as her date. It was better to tell Harvey first, rather than have him find out that way.

"No, Louis, he doesn't. So please don't say anything, okay? I'd rather he hears it from me directly."

But a week had passed and she'd found more excuses not to tell him, so when Thomas had appeared unexpectedly in the doorway of her office, she'd found herself scrambling to get him out of the building before Harvey could happen across them.

No such luck.

"You're headed out early," she heard as they approached the elevators. She closed her eyes briefly, both irritated and ashamed at being caught out. She turned to face Harvey with a smile.

"Yes, we've got dinner plans." She watched Harvey's face change slightly at the inclusive term and his eyes flicked to Thomas.

"Harvey Specter," he said, holding his hand out. Thomas took it and the two men shook on their introductions.

"Thomas Kessler. I've heard a lot about you."

"Is that so?" Harvey turned his gaze back to her and she plastered on a smile.

"All horrible things, of course," she quipped, and it was so horribly cliche that she wanted to cringe. "But we'd better be going, wouldn't want to miss our reservation."

"Of course not." Harvey gave a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Enjoy your night."

She thanked god and all deities that the elevator arrived just as they turned so they didn't need to wait for it, because she knew Harvey was still standing there, watching them. But as the elevator doors closed she caught a glimpse of his expression and something twisted hard in her stomach. He looked as though he'd been blindsided and she knew she had no one to blame but herself.

"So that's Harvey," Thomas noted, derailing her train of thought.

"Yes," she said, as she looked at him and conjured up an almost-completely-sincere smile, "that's Harvey."

"He's not like I imagined," Thomas mused and she chuckled nervously.

"What did you imagine?"

"I don't know. I guess I thought he'd be — harder, you know? New York's best closer and all that. But he looked at you like he was afraid of you." He chortled and she refrained from telling him how right he was, opting to steer the conversation in another direction instead.

"That's because I have all the power," she said flirtatiously, "like I do with aaallllll men." She dragged the word out and Thomas laughed, winding his arm around her waist.

"I have no trouble believing that. You certainly do with me."

... ... ...

The following morning she strode into Harvey's office uninvited and sat across from him.

"What do you need, Donna?" He asked, all professionalism, and it smarted a little because they were supposed to be friends. He should be happy for her.

"I wanted to explain—"

"You don't need to explain anything," he cut her off and that smarted even more.

"I was going to tell you, I just—"

"Didn't get around to it?" He looked up then and she noticed the circles under his eyes.

"Harvey…"

"Are you happy?" He asked and she smiled reflexively.

"I really like him."

"Then I'm happy for you."

"You sure?" She asked shrewdly, cocking her head slightly to one side.

"Yes, of course."

He seemed sincere, so she nodded and turned her smile onto him with full force.

"I'm glad, Harvey. I didn't want this to become a thing."

"It'll only become a thing if we _let _it become a thing," he replied and she chuckled, remembering saying those exact words to him some years earlier.

"Good."

"Good."

He was lying through his teeth, naturally. He'd known she was dating Thomas Kessler before he'd run into them the previous night, so at least it hadn't been a total shock to see them together, but he was precisely the opposite of happy. He'd been drinking a lot since he'd found out, needing something to numb the ache in his chest, something to shut off the thoughts that had been plaguing his every waking moment. The voices that told him he'd missed his chance, he'd wasted too much time, he'd lost her for good. He wasn't okay. Far from it.

... ... ...

She was making copies when he sought her out a few days later, hovering by the door of the copy room as if he wasn't sure whether to approach or not.

"I know you're there," she said, without looking up. It crossed her mind that being so attuned to his presence shouldn't be normal, but she dismissed the thought before it had time to take root.

"I needed…" when he trailed off she turned to him, eyebrows raised.

"I'm not your secretary anymore, Harvey. I'm not going to do your copying for you."

"It's not that." He shuffled his feet a little, shifting awkwardly on the spot and her stomach jolted as she wondered if this was it. If this was the moment when he told her she shouldn't be with Thomas. That she should be with _him. _

_That _thought took root before she could stop it and she stared at him, unable to say anything, unable even to conjure up a witty remark or teasing jab. The feeling was foreign to her, something mere mortals probably experienced all the time, but that the mighty Donna Paulsen was unaccustomed to.

"Louis is being an asshole," Harvey finally said and she gaped at him for a second too long. "You can't be surprised by that."

"Oh! No, I'm not." She recovered herself, mentally slapping her own face. _Of course he wouldn't do that. He doesn't want more. _

"So will you do your Louis-Whisperer thing on him please?"

"Huh? Oh, sure. What's he done now?"

As he walked away from the copy room he mentally kicked himself for chickening out of what he really wanted to say to her. That Thomas wasn't good enough for her. That _he _was the only man good enough for her. Thankfully the altercation with Louis had sprung to mind, saving him at the last minute.

But for a moment, just a second there, he'd wondered if maybe she was thinking the same thing.

... ... ...

"Hey you!" Donna answered the call happily after seeing Rachel's name on her phone screen.

"Hi! How are you?"

Donna settled back in her office chair, a smile on her face. "I'm so happy to hear your voice. How's my little niece-or-nephew-to-be?"

"He-or-She is good. Constantly using my bladder as a kickball, but otherwise good."

"And how are you?"

"Tired. With the bladder kickball going on, I don't get much sleep. But I wouldn't change it. Being pregnant is just… indescribable."

"I'm so glad you're happy, Rach. You guys deserve every second of joy."

"Thanks, Donna." Rachel paused for a second and then launched straight in. "So, Mike and I want to see you guys before the baby comes. Just one last get together before everything is different. Buuuuut… I don't think I can handle the 7 hour flight to New York, so we were wondering how you'd feel about meeting us halfway?"

"Halfway between New York and Seattle is South Dakota. I'm not sure it's the best vacation destination, Rach." She had a strong suspicion who "you guys" referred to and she wasn't sure it was the best idea, given their precarious situation at that moment.

"I know it is, _geographically, _but we were thinking more like Colorado?"

"Skiing? You want Harvey to go skiing." The idea was almost laughable. Harvey might have been in good shape, but he was the antithesis of outdoorsy.

"No! We thought we could hire a lodge, and bunker down there for a few days, just get some quality time in. Board games, movies, a log fire. What do you think?"

"What did Harvey say?"

"Mike thought that if we could get you on board first it would be easier to convince Harvey." Rachel had the decency to sound a little sheepish and Donna couldn't help but laugh.

"So I'm the bargaining chip? I don't know if I should be flattered or offended."

"Oh c'mon! It'll be fun!"

"I… I don't know, Rach. Harvey and I are on thin ice right now. I just started dating someone and I don't want this to mess that up."

"You're dating someone? Who?" Rachel's excitement down the phone made her smile, she'd missed that sound. She launched into telling her friend all about Thomas, and by the end of the conversation, she'd been coerced into a weekend in Colorado in three weeks time. Rachel had convinced her that Thomas would be fine with it, despite not knowing him at all. But the idea of a weekend with Mike and Rachel had been too tempting and so she'd said yes. Part of her had hoped Harvey would say no, but a bigger part of her wanted him to say yes. She didn't examine that part too closely, pushing it down into the box with "you know I love you, Donna" and "feels like twelve and a half" and all those other things that she didn't want to revisit.

... ... ...

"So, Colorado, huh?" Harvey was grimacing as he walked into her office a few hours later and she laughed.

"They got you too?"

"They used you as a bargaining chip! "Donna's coming, so you have to come too, it won't be the same without you"." He mimicked Mike's voice and she chuckled again.

"Seattle's best closers," she remarked and Harvey grinned.

"Well, they learned from the best, after all." His cocky words hid the turmoil inside him, unsure how he was going to stand a four hour flight, a whole weekend and then another four hour flight with her by his side, when she was everything _but _by his side. He wondered how her new boyfriend - _Thomas, _he reminded himself - would react to hearing about this trip. "Have you told—"

"Not yet," she answered quickly, cutting him off before he had to force the other man's name out.

"He'll be okay with it?"

"He'll be fine." She waved her hand dismissively. "It's not all that serious yet."

"Oh," was all he could muster up, a flurry of hope whirling through his body. If it wasn't serious, maybe he still stood a chance. _Maybe _the game wasn't quite over yet.

... ... ...

They had an early flight, so he'd arranged to pick her up from her apartment at 6am. He was sitting comfortably in the back of his car with Ray at the wheel when they pulled up, and he was surprised to see Thomas exit the building with her, but he was even more surprised to see the man wearing a _bathrobe. _He tried not to pay attention as Thomas loaded Donna's bag into the car, and then kissed her a little too thoroughly before she climbed into the backseat.

"Morning," she greeted, her voice sounding more than a little weary. He tried not to think too hard about why that could be, other than the early hour.

"Morning. Got you this." He handed her the coffee he'd picked up for her and her face lit up, improving his mood exponentially.

"You're an Angel," she said dreamily, sipping on it slowly. For a moment he forgot about the man who was disappearing in the rear view mirror behind them until she continued speaking. "We didn't have time to make coffee this morning."

The inclusive term raised his hackles again. "I didn't realise you were so… domestic."

She looked mildly affronted and he wanted to kick himself. "I didn't realise that was a bad thing."

"It's not. It's just…. different."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What are you talking about, Harvey?"

"Nothing. Forget it." He leaned back against the soft leather seat and closed his eyes, hoping she'd take the hint and drop the topic.

She watched him for a long moment. She was perplexed by him. It wasn't an unusual feeling, but an unexpected one at that moment. She'd been feeling lately like they were finally in a better place; he'd accepted her relationship with Thomas, they'd been open with one another and things felt normal for the first time in years.

But now he was being strange again.

"Is this about Thomas being there this morning?" She asked and watched his jaw clench at the mention of her boyfriend.

"No." His tone told her everything she needed to know. They weren't back to normal. There was no normal anymore. She sighed and turned her body toward him.

"Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about." He opened his eyes and seemed to be surprised by her attention on him.

"Do you have a problem with my relationship, Harvey?"

He paused, sighing and looking away. "I want you to be happy."

"That's an evasive answer."

"It's not. It's the truth. If you're happy with him, then I'm happy for you."

"I am happy," she said eventually, ignoring the niggling thought in the back of her mind that she shouldn't have had to think about it before answering. A few weeks earlier she hadn't had to think about it at all.

"Good," he stated, raising his coffee to his lips again. She couldn't help but watch his lips curve around the rim of the cup and then looked away, lifting her own cup to her mouth. As the coffee swirled inside her mouth she closed her eyes, relishing the taste on her tongue. The hint of vanilla sweetness made her want to smile, and the caffeine entering her bloodstream warmed her body.

"I love coffee," she mused, sipping again.

"I know," Harvey replied. She glanced at him and he was smiling, and it warmed her insides more than caffeine ever could. She grinned back and leaned over, bumping her shoulder against his. Regardless of any other feelings, she was glad to have him in her life.

... ... ...

"We're not going to make it." Mike's voice travelled through the phone and Donna heard the tinny words, looking at Harvey in horror, motioning for him to put the call on speaker.

"You're not going to make it?" Harvey repeated, dumbfounded.

"That's what I said, old man. Rachel can't fly - she had some light bleeding yesterday and the doctor has put her on bed rest, so we're not coming."

"You couldn't have told us earlier? We've just got off the plane!"

"I'm sorry, It's been crazy here. We thought she was going into premature labor or miscarrying."

"You're right, I'm sorry." Harvey shook his head. "Is she okay? And the baby?"

"They're both fine, but she's on bed rest until the baby comes. 6 weeks of bed rest is not her idea of fun."

"Put her on the phone, Mike," Donna commanded.

"I'm here." Rachel's voice came through the phone line and Donna sighed in relief that she sounded perfectly normal.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"I said she was!" Mike's voice echoed in the background.

"I want to hear it from her!" Donna snapped back. "So? Are you?"

"Yes, I'm okay. Tired, and already bored, but fine."

"And how's my god-child?"

"_Our _godchild," Harvey corrected. Donna rolled her eyes but didn't comment.

"He's okay too. He seems to want to meet us sooner than he should, so I just have to try to keep him in there."

"He?" Donna questioned, a grin spreading across her face.

"Oh… yeah… it's a boy." Rachel's joy and pride filtered down through the phone line and Harvey and Donna grinned widely at each other. "They told us yesterday."

"I'm so happy for you guys," Donna said.

"Congrats, guys," Harvey added.

"Thank you. I'm sorry our plans got ruined."

"Don't you worry about that. You just focus on keeping my nephew safe and warm until it's time, okay?"

"Okay."

"Rest up. I'll talk to you later." Donna finished the call and sighed.

"So what are we going to do? Get the next flight back to New York?" Harvey questioned when she handed his phone back to him.

"I… I don't know." She bit her thumbnail and he looked at her questioningly. "I mean, the lodge is paid for, and we're already here… maybe we can just hang out for the weekend."

"Hang out?" he repeated, as if the words were foreign to him.

"Yeah. Hang out," she said again and it felt somewhat stilted. She wasn't sure what made her suggest it. But suddenly the thought of _not _spending the weekend with him was unfathomable. "C'mon, Harvey, we're friends. Friends vacation together. We'll do exactly what we would have done this weekend, just sans Mike And Rachel."

Harvey thought for a moment, studying her, and she found herself holding her breath. Finally he shrugged and nodded. "Okay."

... ... ...

Harvey was in knots at the prospect of a weekend alone with Donna in a cabin. Part of him was soaring; relieved and ecstatic to have this one-on-one time with her. Another part of him was trying desperately to keep his dick under control at the thought of her in pyjamas, or naked in a shower while he was in the next room. But the final part of him was anguished by the knowledge that nothing was going to happen. She was dating someone, and she wouldn't do anything to jeopardise that. And he wouldn't want her to. He couldn't be the other guy. He sighed heavily as she climbed into their rental car, taking a moment to compose himself before he slid in next to her. _Friends_, he thought to himself, _we're just friends._

_... ... ..._

They'd been drinking since they arrived. They'd stocked up on booze and food on the way from the airport to the cabin, and had slightly over-bought on the liquor and under-bought on the food, resulting in both of them getting drunker than they'd intended. It didn't help that the lodge was _freezing _and the alcohol was warm in their bellies.

Harvey had disappeared 20 minutes before, so Donna lifted herself off the couch, wearing a blanket like a cape as she padded in socked feet down the hallway to look for him, a half-empty bottle of wine in hand. He was in bed when she found him, propped against the headboard, lit only by the tv flickering on the opposite wall.

"What are you doing?" she asked from the doorway, still wrapped in her blanket cocoon. He looked over at her, grinning drunkenly and she giggled a little at his squinting eyes.

"Come watch a movie with me," he said eventually.

She raised her eyebrows at him. "Harvey."

"Oh don't be ridiculous." His eyebrows rose back at her. "Just come in here and sit down. It's warmer in here than the living room and so much more comfortable. There's an electric blanket." He patted the bed next to him and she caved into the idea of the warmth.

"Fine. But you had better keep your hands to yourself." She knew she was flirting, knew it was the alcohol talking and knew she was dangerously close to a line she shouldn't be crossing anymore, but the words were out before she could stop them. The next thing she knew, she was sitting in bed by Harvey's side, legs crossed at the ankles in front of her, the blanket around both of their shoulders. "So what are we watching?"

"Batman and Robin."

"Seriously?" She wrinkled her nose and attempted to wrestle the remote from his hand. "No, we're not."

"Oh c'mon, Kilmer as Batman!"

"No." She succeeded in her attempt to wrestle the remote from him and held it above her head triumphantly. "I'm going to find us something _awesome _to watch." She flicked through the channels rapidly and he wondered how she could even tell what was on until she stopped, settling back against the pillows and dropping the remote in her lap, a smirk on her face.

"What is this?" He asked, eyeing the screen dubiously.

"Love and Other Drugs," she replied without looking at him.

"Am I going to like it?" he asked, still not confident in her choice of movie.

"Just watch it and find out."

"Why this, of all movies?"

"For god's sake, Harvey. It's a good movie, and it's got a little eye candy in it. Just watch it, okay?"

He agreed because he knew he didn't really have a choice and watched her out the corner of his eye for much of its duration. She brightened visibly whenever a particular character appears on screen, seemingly paying a lot more attention to his scenes than any others. It both amused and irritated him. She shushed him whenever he tried to speak so by the time the movie was over, he was drunker than he'd been in a long time, having continuously swigged scotch for two hours. She was also hammered, having downed almost two entire bottles of red wine, in addition to several glasses of scotch, and by the time the credits were rolling, she was leaning into him, unable to sit up straight anymore.

Even that drunk, he knew having Donna in his bed was a bad idea. Letting her lean into him, her hand on his thigh and her head on his shoulder so that he could smell the floral scent of her shampoo. He was drunk, and she was there and it was taking a superhuman effort to remember she was seeing someone.

"You shouldn't be dating _Thomas," _he blurted.

"He's a nice guy," she replied with a shrug.

"I'm a nice guy too."

"No. You…" she sat up and pointed a finger at him and then trailed off, staring vacantly into the distance for a moment before recovering herself, "... you are Harvey Specter. Harvey Specter isn't a nice guy." She squinted at him. "New York's best closer? New York's best hard-ass, more like."

"What's that about my ass?" he asked with a salacious grin and she slapped his chest lightly.

"Oh, like you haven't stared at mine too."

"I plead the fifth," he winked in a over-exaggerated way that set her off into a giggling fit, and it was only a second before he was laughing too, the pair of them leaning into one another as they laughed, their bodies touching far more than platonic friends should. And neither of them considered that fact at all.

... ... ...

When Donna woke the next morning, the first thing she was aware of was a warm body wrapped around hers. She relished in it for a moment, humming contentedly before her eyes flew open.

_Thomas doesn't cuddle._

All the memories from the night before flooded back and she felt a cold chill run down her spine, despite the the warmth of the bed and Harvey's body pressed against hers.

_Shit._

They'd been drinking. A lot. They'd both been very drunk. He'd invited her into his bed to watch a movie. Because it was warmer than the living room. And she'd willingly climbed into bed next to him.

_Shit shit shit._

What would Thomas think?

She didn't have time to dwell on that thought, because Harvey stirred and then groaned, waking up, still spooning her. She felt the moment he realised, as his body stiffened slightly and then he began to slowly withdraw his arm from around her middle, as if he thought she might still be asleep. She let him think it, faking a wake up when she felt him sit up straight.

"Morning," she said awkwardly.

"Morning." He attempted a smile but it fell short and she knew he was wondering if waking up like that constituted cheating. She knew because she was wondering too. And she knew because she _always _knew. Deciphering his thoughts was still second nature. A part of her knew it would always be.

"I, uhh… I'm going to take a shower."

"Wait." She reached out and then stopped short of touching him. "Should we talk about this?"

"Yes," he replied, "but not right now. I need a minute to think."

"Harvey — "

"Please, Donna. Just… give me a minute." He disappeared into the en-suite bathroom and she sighed, dropping her head into her hands.

_Shit._

_... ... ..._

It was almost 40 minutes later when Harvey appeared in the living room, clad in jeans and a black sweater. She cursed herself for noticing how good he looked and immediately attempted to conjure up a mental image of Thomas.

"That was a long minute," she joked weakly.

"I needed to think."

"Look, Harvey—"

"Stop. Just… lets just forget it, okay?"

"Harvey…"

"You're in a relationship! And we… it's not okay."

"I know it's not. But it wasn't intentional. We didn't _do _anything."

"That's not true and you know it," he snapped.

"No, I _don't _know if." She stood, her hands on her hips. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean," he challenged. They stared each other down for a moment before he broke. "Forget it."

"No." She stalked toward him and grabbed his arm. "No. You're going to tell me what you meant by that."

"You know."

"Say it."

"I'm in love with you, Donna." The words fell from his lips as if they'd been on the tip of his tongue, just waiting for her command. He didn't move, and neither did she, their eyes locked as the words swirled around them in the chilly morning air. They stared at each other for a long time. She was stunned that he would say it now, of all the times he'd had the chance. But he was staring at her and she was staring at him, and he was her best friend in the whole goddamn world and she couldn't bear to tell him, but she had to.

"I know, Harvey, okay? I know. I've known for a long time. But it's too late. You waited too long."

The words shook his entire being and he took a long moment to process them, running through the full range of emotions to try and decipher what he was feeling. He swallowed the lump in his throat before responding. "You knew? And you didn't say anything?"

"Why would I? You made it clear you weren't ready to hear it."

"It's been fourteen years, Donna. I've wanted to hear it for _fourteen years._"

"Do you hear how messed up that is? You've been… _pining _for all these years. That's not healthy, Harvey."

"Are you telling me you haven't thought about it even once?"

"Of course I have! Jesus, Harvey, sometimes it was _all _I could think about. But you were so closed off, so unavailable. And now I've moved on. I had to. I couldn't keep living like that."

"Living like what?"

"Like you might change your mind one day. You were never going to be ready to love me." She closed her eyes against the weight of the words she'd spoken, almost afraid to see his face.

"I have _always _been ready to love you. I dream about you almost every night. I wake up hard because I've been dreaming about _you_. You think I'm not ready to love you? That's bullshit." His admission caused hot tendrils of lust to lick through her veins, but they were marred by the fact that he'd waited too long, that his timing was awful, that he'd never given her the chance until it was too late.

"Not like that. That's not love. You want to fuck me. You don't want to love me." A thought occurred to her. "Were you thinking about me in the shower just now?" He didn't respond, looking down at the floor as he rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. "You are unbelievable!"

"Jesus, Donna, what do you want me to say here? "It doesn't mean.." or "it bothers me…" — we've been saying those things to each other for years. I fucking _love _you. Yes, in a sexual way. But also in every other way possible. I don't want anything else other than you. You think I didn't try to think of something, _anything, _but you in there? I did. But I can't just switch this off."

"It's too late, Harvey! It's too late."

"I _want _you." He practically growled the words and it aroused a need in her so strong that she almost gave in. She forced herself to stay still, forced herself not to cross the room and smash her lips against his.

"Well you can't _have _me," she spat instead, angry at him, at herself, at the situation. _Goddamn Mike and Rachel bailing on us. _"I'm done with you! So you need to get the fuck over it and be done with me. Because this," she gestured between them with her finger, "is _over." _

They stared at one another for a moment and then he turned on his heel and strode away, exiting through the door at the back of the house and out of sight. She bit her lip, wondering if she'd gone too far. Wondering if she'd just changed their relationship for ever.

... ... ...

"Let's just go home. There's no point in us staying around here."

"Fine." It was the first word he'd spoken to her since their fight. It'd been stony silence all morning. Harvey had spent twenty minutes walking laps around the house, before coming inside and sitting silently on the couch. They hadn't been supposed to leave until the following day but she couldn't bear another minute of the chill in the house; a chill which had nothing to do with the temperature. She needed to see Thomas.

She needed to focus on him, on their relationship.

She called the airline and changed their flights, and within the hour they were on their way to the airport.

To say the four hour flight back to New York was uncomfortable would be an understatement. They barely spoke at all, and when they arrived back at the airport she had a car waiting for her. He climbed into his own car, the look on his face enough to tell Ray not to ask about Donna's absence.

He fantasised about her as he jerked off that night and he didn't even feel guilty about it. It wasn't a dirty secret anymore, something they alluded to and joked about. It was a hard, cold fact and she knew. So he imagined red hair and porcelain skin, freckles and strong legs and the curve of her ass and the feel of her lips. He fucked himself to a shuddering orgasm, her name on his lips but never uttered.

And as he tried to fall asleep he mourned the loss of her. Because she was gone, and he was never going to get her back.

... ... ..

He ignored the knock at his door that came late the next morning. And when the knocks came again, he ignored them still. But when his phone chimed, he couldn't help looking at it.

_Answer your fucking door. I know you're home. _

He was surprised she was there, but he did as she said and answered the door. She pushed past him and into the apartment and he watched her carefully. She was wild, untamed, like a feral animal and he knew instinctively that she'd broken up with _him_. He wasn't sure why she'd come because it was clear that she wasn't here to declare her undying love for him. She was too wound up for that. No, she was here for a fight.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I haven't got a fucking clue," she replied, throwing her hands up and pacing the length of his living room.

"Okay…" he didn't know what to say. So he watched as she paced, every inch the caged lioness. He was a little afraid of her, though he'd never have admitted it. This wasn't a version of her he'd seen before.

"Loving you was hurting me, Harvey," she said eventually. She was still pacing and she practically spat the words at him, blaming him. "I needed to know what life without pain was like."

"And how is that working out for you?" he asked, knowing it was the wrong thing to say, knowing he was pressing buttons that shouldn't be pressed.

"Fuck you." She stopped pacing and glared at him. She knew that he knew.

"No, I really want to know. How is it working out?"

"You want me to say it?"

"Yes, I do. I need to hear it."

"We broke up. Are you happy now?"

"Ecstatic."

"You're an asshole, Harvey."

"I know."

All the fight drained out of him and his shoulders slumped. "I've been wishing for your relationship to fail. Wishing for you to be unhappy so that you'll realise that I could make you happy. But I can't. I've never been able to." He turned, walking away from her. He sat down on the couch, elbows on his knees, his head bent between his arms. He was a broken man. Her heart stuttered painfully in her chest as she looked at him, realising that loving her had been hurting him too. All the pain they'd caused each other for so long, over something that could have been so easily fixed. All her anger dissipated in that moment.

"Yes you have." The words slipped out so easily, and he tilted his head up slowly to look at her, the expression on his face making her feel like a knife was twisting in her gut. "I've always been happy with you. Maybe I'm a sucker for punishment, but even through all the pain, I've always been happy to be with you."

"You don't mean that."

She laughed humorlessly. "Of _course _you don't believe me." She paced along the length of his living room again, stopping when she was level with him. "You can't tell me you haven't felt exactly the same way for thirteen years."

"Of course I have!" He stood swiftly, surprising her. "I've been in agony watching you date anyone but me."

"And sleeping with half of New York helped that, did it?" she snarked, no longer in control of what she was saying, letting the words spill freely from her lips.

"It was a distraction, yes. It made me feel less alone. So I could pretend I was —" he broke off, turning away from her.

"Pretend you were _what_, Harvey?"

"Nothing."

"I think we're past the point of unfinished sentences now, don't you?"

"Finishing those sentences has never been good for us."

"You are the most infuriating man I've ever met. No one else makes me feel like this." She was pacing again, one hand at her forehead, the way she did when she was frustrated, and then suddenly she stopped, looking at him intently. "No one else makes me feel like this," she repeated, almost to herself, but she was still staring at him, and he wondered if she was expecting an answer. "Don't you think that has to mean something?" she asked him then and he was taken aback, unsure what to say, how to react. He was having trouble reading her, had been since she'd arrived, and he somehow felt like this was the most important thing she'd ever asked him and he needed to get it right.

"Yes," he said eventually, "it has to mean something. But it's not up to me to decide what that is."

He'd thrown her own words back at her, words she'd used on him a long time ago and for a moment she was surprised he remembered before her attention was diverted back to the matter at hand.

"You…" she looked away and sighed in frustration. "We're not getting anywhere."

"Where should we be getting?" he asked, and it was a leading question, they both knew. "Into bed?" he asked when she didn't answer and she scowled, but the words set off a coiling sensation in her lower abdomen.

"This is not the time for jokes," she replied weakly and he stared at her hard, wordlessly calling her out on her reaction. She bit her lip, thought for a second and decided _fuck it. _"I love you Harvey. And not like a brother, or a cousin. I _love you _love you. And I want everything."

He looked at her for a long moment, his face impassive and then she was in his arms and his lips were on hers and she was shocked for a second before she opened her mouth to him, relaxing in his embrace.

A laugh bubbled in her chest unexpectedly and she giggled against his lips.

"What's funny?" he asked, barely pulling away, his lips still brushing against hers as he uttered the words.

"I just can't believe this is happening."

He pulled back further then, his face serious but more open than she'd seen him in over a year. "Believe it." His left arm was still looped around her waist and his hand was still in her hair as she nodded twice and then leaned back in to meet his lips.

They kissed desperately, frantically, unable to get enough of the taste of one another. Hands wandered, shirts were removed, and they made it to the couch where she straddled him, their sexes pressed together against their remaining clothing. He unhooked her bra, throwing it aside carelessly as he took a nipple in his mouth. She groaned and held his face to her chest, grinding against his hard groin, feeling his erection easily through her yoga pants and his sweats. She pulled away from him, standing and pushing her pants and underwear over her hips, letting the fabric fall and pool on the floor. She stepped out of them, gloriously naked, and then stepped between his spread legs. He pressed kisses to her chest and stomach, a hand on her ass, squeezing and landing a light smack.

"_God, _you're beautiful," he breathed reverently, gazing at her face, watching her bite her lip under his scrutiny.

He turned her to face away from him, peppering kisses over the smooth expanse of her back while his hands multitasked; one on her left breast, tweaking her nipple and squeezing the flesh, and the other pushing two fingers into her centre, testing her readiness for him. Her head tipped back on a moan and her arm flailed, reaching blindly for something to grip onto.

His hand left her breast and his fingers entwined with hers, giving her an anchor as he worked her closer to a climax.

"Harvey," she said breathily, "I need…"

"I know." He spun her around, pulling her into his lap and crushing his lips to hers desperately.

The low groan that rumbled in the back of her throat had his hips jerking involuntarily, his hard length bumping against her slit deliciously.

She pulled her lips from his to gasp, "I want—"

"I know," he replied and her head spun with the knowledge that he could read her just as well as she could read him. "Bedroom."

He stood and she slid down his body until her feet reached the floor. They made their way to his bed in a haze of kisses, giggles, stumbles and caresses, unable to stop touching one another for even a moment.

They tumbled onto his bed and she undressed him, pushing his pants and boxers over his hips and ass in one movement, her hand firmly grasping his erection. She lavished the organ with attention, stroking, kissing, sucking, licking, squeezing; until he stopped her with a strangled groan and a hand on top of hers.

"I need—"

"I know." She captured his mouth as she lay back and opened her legs for him. He settled between them, rubbing himself against her, a delicious friction making them both moan low in their throats as they kissed.

"_Fuck, _Harvey," she practically growled when he finally slid into her. His length was hard and hot inside her, stretching her in the most incredible way as his pelvis bumped against hers. "Oh _god _you feel even better than I remember."

"I'm not going to last if you keep talking like that," he grunted, his face buried in her neck.

"I thought you had more stamina than that," she quipped with a giggle and he lifted his face to meet hers, startling her with the intensity in his eyes.

"Not with you. Not for the first time in thirteen years." His face contorted as she rolled her hips against him. "Donna…"

"Let go," she whispered, nipping at his earlobe and he groaned before withdrawing almost all the way and then slamming home with a grunt. She felt better, _more, _than ever before and as he pounded into her body she knew she wasn't going to last either. She lowered her hand to her clit, rubbing circles as her orgasm grew within her at a remarkable pace and suddenly she was coming, faster and harder than ever before and she was crying out his name as he thrust deep inside her before releasing into her a moment later.

They collapsed in a tangle of limbs, and he passed her tissues to clean up as he did the same, pulling her to him and holding her close.

"I love you," he murmured, biology taking over and making him sleepy already. "I'm never letting you go again."

"Good," she replied, kissing his chest. "I have no intention of going anywhere."

... ... ...

He dozed lightly for 20 minutes or so, waking fully when he felt her hand circling his cock.

"Mmmmm," he hummed as he hardened under her touch. "You want some more of this?"

"Cocky much?" she asked, her thumb rubbing over his tip, teasing the ridge at the head of his dick.

"You tell me," he replied, "you're the one with your hand on my cock."

"I can do something else with it if you'd rather." She pulled her hand away, and he rolled her onto her back, kissing her deeply.

"That's okay, I have something I need to do anyway." He crawled under the covers, settling between her legs and placed a kiss against her pubic bone. Her giggles became a moan as his tongue found her clit and he sucked it into his mouth. She groaned loudly and her memories were proven wrong; he wasn't as good as she remembered, he was _better_. He licked and sucked at her, bringing her to the edge and then backing off, teasing, tasting, toying with her.

"Harvey," she whined after the second denied orgasm and he chuckled against her flesh, looking up to grin wickedly at her. His face shone with her fluids, his hair sticking up in all directions and she'd never seen anything sexier in her life. "Jesus," she breathed, her heart thumping in her chest, accompanying the throbbing between her legs.

"Yes?" He responded cheekily and she giggled again.

"Are you going to make me come or not?"

"When I'm ready," he licked his lips before diving back into her pussy.

True to his word, he waited until he was good and ready to let her come, but then he brought her back-to-back orgasms with his mouth before fucking her hard, getting her off again before his own climax swept through him. He dropped to the side of her afterwards, pressing his lips to her sweaty shoulder.

"Fuck," she groaned. "I forgot how good you are."

"No you didn't," he replied and her laugh echoed through the room.

"I love you," she said a moment later, all hints of joking gone.

"I love you too." There was a question bouncing around in his head and she knew it. She weaved a hand into his hair and tugged lightly.

"What are you thinking?" she asked softly.

"Nothing. Just… what happened with Thomas?" He hated himself for asking, but he needed to know.

"I told him the truth. That I have feelings for someone else." She drew patterns on his shoulder with her fingernails. "He knew, I think, but he didn't ask."

"Are you okay?"

"Am I okay?" She pushed herself up to a sitting position and looked at him in amusement. "We just had very _very _good sex. Twice. I'm more than okay."

"Good." He grinned in that smug, self-satisfied way he always did and she rolled her eyes.

"Okay, mister confidence," she laughed. She reached out and touched his face, stroking from his temple to jawline and he closed his eyes, leaning into her palm. "I said some things…" she began softly and his eyes opened.

"Don't."

"I want to—"

"You don't need to." He sat up alongside her, pulling her into him. "We both said things. Hard truths, remember?"

"If we can't tell each other the hard truths, then what are we doing," she recalled in a low voice. He nodded.

"Exactly. It's okay. _We're_ okay."

She nodded and accepted his assurances. This was going to be the beginning of everything. "What happens at work tomorrow?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly. "Does it matter?"

"No… well, a little."

"No one can say you didn't earn your job, Donna."

"I know." She felt insecure all of a sudden, like a kid on their first day at a new school. Or like the employee who had embarrassed herself at the Christmas party and then had to pretend everything was fine the next week. Or like a secretary-turned-COO who was sleeping with a named partner.

"You're really worried?" he asked, and it was sweet how concerned he was for her. Her heart swelled and she realised in that moment how much he cared for her. How much he _loved _her.

"I don't know." She turned her face into his shoulder. "I'm not used to feeling like this." The words were muffled in his skin but he caught the gist.

"You're Donna Paulsen. You're a bad-ass. Everyone in that office is in awe of you. But if it makes you feel better, I won't try to bend you over my desk." At that she chuckled and playfully bit his shoulder.

"It'd be _my _desk, if any," she replied.

"Challenge accepted."

"Stop it," she admonished, but pressed her lips to the hard line of his jaw. She couldn't get enough of the taste of his skin, even sweaty and sticky after two rounds of lovemaking. "You wanna shower?"

"Are you saying I smell, Paulsen?" He held a hand to his chest in mock offence.

"I'm saying we _both _do." She kissed his jaw again, nipping at his skin. "Come on, Specter. Let's get showered." She dragged him out of bed and he followed her to the bathroom, watching as she started the water, marvelling at how comfortable she was in his home.

"I love that you're here," he said softly, stepping in behind her and kissing her shoulder, his arms winding around her waist. She leaned into him and her head fell back against his shoulder.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed! **


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